A Search For A Secret: A Novel. Vol. 1 Page 9

  CHAPTER IX.

  THE OLD STORY.

  I never enjoyed myself in my life as much as I did at that ball. LadyDesborough introduced a good many of the first comers to me, and Percybrought up more. He had engaged me for the first waltz, and he presentlyasked me for the first polka after supper; and my card was soon quitefull for the whole evening.

  At some times I should have been sorry for this, as one does not like tobe obliged to refuse any very eligible looking man who may be introducedto one. Besides, it prevents dancing a second dance with anyparticularly pleasant partner,--that is, of course, unless one has thecoolness to turn out some one already on the list, which at that time Icertainly had not.

  But that night I preferred having fresh partners every dance. It was allso new to me, and I wanted to see everything; and in this way I was lessengaged in interesting conversation, and was able to give more attentionto what was going on.

  It was a brilliant scene. The _elite_ of London society were there, andvery beautiful were many of the faces, and very exquisite the dresses.Not one of them all through was more lovely than Ada, and almost everyone of my partners remarked to me how very lovely she was; indeed, shemade quite a sensation.

  The men I was not so much struck with. They were verydistinguished-looking and very gentlemanly and polished inmanner,--very, very different from what few young men there were atCanterbury. But they had a languid air about them which impressed meunpleasantly. They gave me the idea that they had gone out so much intosociety that they had quite ceased to care for dancing, and that evenconversation was too much labour to be undertaken; and I knew it was badtaste, but I certainly preferred as partners the officers I had met atCanterbury to these languid young Guardsmen and scions of nobility.

  For myself, I could not understand how any one could help dancing withspirit to that inspiring music; and the only drawback to my enjoymentwas that the rooms were so very full that one was dreadfully squeezedand knocked about. However, on my venturing to remark to one of mypartners that the room was extremely full, I found that I knew nothingabout it, for he answered,--

  "Dear me! Do you think so, now? Why, every one has been remarking to mehow pleasant it is that the rooms are not crowded."

  I found afterwards that my partner was right, and that I had shown myignorance; for, at some of the balls I went to afterwards, the crush wasso great that dancing was literally an impossibility.

  I felt very thankful I had been to the opera, for most of my partners,on finding I was fresh from the country, asked that question, having, Isuppose, no other topic in common with me. Had I danced oftener thanonce with some of them, no doubt my conversations would have been morelively. As it was, with a few exceptions, they were not interesting. Butthey all danced well, and that part I did enjoy most thoroughly. Most ofall I liked my dances with Percy, for he told me who every one was, anddid it really good naturedly, while some of my other partners, who haddone the same, had been as sarcastic and ill-natured about every one, asif they thought that it must give me pleasure to hear other people rundown; whereas, when they were making depreciating remarks upon othergirls' dresses and manners, I could not but feel quite uncomfortable inwondering what they would say about me presently.

  Percy managed to take me down to supper, carrying me off from my lastpartner in a very dexterous manner; and, what was very nice, he managedto get me a place next to Ada, who had been taken down by young LordHolmeskirk, a very pleasant young fellow in the Guards. Ada introducedhim to me at once, and he pleaded very hard for a dance after supper; Itold him that my card was full, but he urged it so much that I said atlast I would dance with him if he would manage it for me, but that I hadnot the least idea how it was to be done. I may here say that he did so;the second dance after supper, coming up to me as I was leaning onPercy's arm, after my polka with him, and saying, in the quietest way,"I believe I have the pleasure of this dance, Miss Ashleigh," he carriedme off immediately the music struck up, before my real partner, whoeverhe was, could find me. Not being accustomed to this sort of thing, andnot having the least idea who it was I was engaged to, I felt quitenervous and uncomfortable for the next dance or two, expecting thatevery gentleman who came near me was on the point of reproaching me forhaving broken my engagement to him. And, indeed, to the very end of mystay in London, I could never bring myself, in spite of what Ada told meabout every one doing so, to turn off a partner in this way withoutfeeling that I was doing something very wrong. I dare say my consciencewould have been blunted in time, but as it was I never arrived at thatpoint. Lord Holmeskirk turned out the most pleasant partner of all I hadbeen introduced to, and I could chat with him with more freedom,--he wasso perfectly natural and unaffected.

  We were a very merry little group at supper; what I ate I have not theslightest idea. Percy kept my plate constantly filled, but, with theexception of strawberries and cream, I did not recognise a single thinghe gave me. Then we pulled crackers, and found the mottoes within themof a singularly silly and unsatisfactory nature.

  At last we got up from supper, and went up to the drawing-room, and thenthe gentlemen, at least those of them who were fortunate enough to findseats, sat down; and when they once did so, I began to think they wouldnever come up again, they were such a terribly long time; and it seemedsuch a waste to be sitting still doing nothing, with that splendid musicready to go on again. While they were downstairs I was introduced toseveral ladies, to whose houses I was going in the next few nights withLady Desborough and Ada.

  At last the gentlemen came up again, and we began to dance as if to makeup for lost time; for the dancing was certainly better than beforesupper, and my partners more agreeable and chatty; besides, some of thepeople had left, so that there was more room, and I enjoyed itaccordingly. I think every one else did the same, for there seemed to meto be much more lively conversation and flirting going on than beforesupper.

  I have said that I only danced once with each partner, but there was oneexception: this was Lord Bangley, a captain in the Guards. He wasintroduced to me early in the evening, before my card was full, and hebegged so earnestly for two dances that I had no excuse for refusinghim; but of all the partners I had that evening, I disliked himcertainly the most. He was a handsome man, that I could not deny; butthat was all I could say for him. He was tall and very stiff--so stiffthat his head seemed set too far back--with a supercilious sneeringmanner, a very harsh unpleasant voice, and an insufferable air ofarrogance and conceit.

  Ada told me next day that Lord Bangley had condescended to express toher his great approval of my appearance and manner. I curtsied low whenAda told me, but all that I could say was, "that the feeling was by nomeans reciprocal."

  Presently the room began to thin in earnest, and there was a great noiseoutside, in the intervals of the music, of shouting for carriages andprancing of horses; and then, in a very short time, they were all gone,and there remained in the great drawing-room only Lady Desborough, Ada,Percy, and myself.

  "What do you think of your first ball?" Lady Desborough asked.

  "Oh, delightful!" we exclaimed simultaneously; "we could have gone ondancing all night."

  "It has gone off very well indeed, and I am perfectly satisfied witheverything. But now let us go off to bed; we shall have plenty of timeto talk it all over in the morning."

  It was, however, very long before Ada and

  I went to bed. We took off our ball-dresses, let down our hair, put ourfeet into slippers, and then sat by the fire in my room talking over theevening, and our partners, and our impressions of everything.

  At last I said, "If we do not go to bed soon, Ada, we may as well giveup all idea of going at all. It is nearly six o'clock."

  Ada rose to go into her own room.

  "We have a good five hours to sleep yet. We shall not breakfast tilltwelve. Good night, dear."

  After this memorable _entree_ into society, we were out nearly everynight, until, before the end of a month, I had had quite enough ofparties and balls,
and was really glad when we had a quiet evening toourselves.

  Sometimes, before going to the balls, we went to the opera, which, Ithink, after a time I liked more than the parties. Percy alwaysaccompanied us there, but he did not often go the balls, which I wassorry for; I liked him so much as a partner, and I could talk with him,so much more naturally and freely about every one there, than I couldwith my other partners.

  For the first few nights I went out, Lord Bangley was very attentive tome; but I disliked him so much that at last I always was engaged when heasked me to dance; and, although he was very slow to see that any onereally could dislike dancing with so very exalted a person as himself,he at last was forced to adopt that conclusion, and so gave up askingme, which was a great relief to me, for his disagreeable manner quiteoppressed me.

  Ada, one morning at breakfast--at which meal, by the bye, LadyDesborough never appeared--was laughing at me about him, when I said,sharply, that I could not bear him, and that I had shown him so mostunmistakably.

  "I am glad to hear you say so, Agnes," Percy said; for by this time Adahad pointed out to us the extreme absurdity of our being constantlytogether for two months, and calling each other Miss Ashleigh and Mr.Desborough all that time. So Percy, having obtained my willing consent,took to calling me Agnes, while I don't think I called him anything; butreally Percy came almost naturally to my lips, for Ada had so oftenspoken of him to me by that name. "I am very glad to hear you say so,Agnes; Bangley is hated by his brother officers, and and is what Ishould call, although an earl's son, a downright snob;--a snob, becausehe is conceited about his advantages of person and position;--a snob,because he is a narrow-minded, empty-headed coxcomb."

  "Well done, oh! most outspoken brother," Ada said. "Pray what offencehas poor Lord Bangley given you for all this outburst?"

  "No particular offence, Ada; but I can't bear the fellow."

  "Curious, now," Ada said, rather mischievously; "I never heard you sayanything against him before: your dislike must be of very recentorigin."

  "Recent or not recent," Percy said, dogmatically, "I can't bear him."

  After I had been three weeks in London, Lady Desborough asked me to staytwo months instead of one, as I had originally intended. She kindly saidthat it was so very advantageous and pleasant for Ada having me withher, and, indeed, pressed me so much that I saw she really wished it,and on my part I was only too glad to prolong my stay.

  I was quite at home now in society, and knew nearly every one, andenjoyed the conversation now as much, or more, than the dancing. Adatold me one morning, when I had been there about five weeks, that I wasgetting a perfect flirt--quite as bad as she was--indeed worse, becausequieter--and therefore much more dangerous.

  "There is Lord Holmeskirk, Agnes: he is quite assiduous in hisattentions to you. Now, Percy, you have certainly nothing to say againsthim, for he is an exceedingly nice, unaffected fellow."

  "Holmeskirk," broke in Percy, "why, he is a mere boy!"

  "He is an officer in the Guards, Percy. He is, I grant you, two yearsyounger than your sapient self; still he is more than three years olderthan Agnes. Don't mind what he says, my dear: you have my free consentand approbation. I only wish it had been my magnificent self at whom hehad deigned to throw his handkerchief."

  "Nonsense, Ada. I do wish you would get out of the way of always talkingsuch ridiculous nonsense;" and Percy got up quite crossly, and wentstraight out of the room.

  Ada lifted her eyes in comic amazement and penitence.

  "Dear me! to think of my having angered his royal highness! Did I sayanything very dreadful, Agnes? I do not remember his being so fiercewith me since I was twelve years old. One would think he had beencrossed in love. Eh, Agnes! what do you say to that?" she asked, withrather a mischievous tone.

  "I am sure I do not know," I said, composedly.

  "Oh, you are sure you do not know! Well, let us see if we can guess. Notlong ago, when Lord Bangley was in question, he became furious againsthim; now, he is enraged with me for recommending that nice little LordHolmeskirk. Put two and two together, my dear, and four is the undoubtedresult."

  "What nonsense you are talking, Ada!" I said, colouring greatly. "Yourbrother no more thinks anything about me than--than--" and I stopped fora comparison.

  "Than you do about him," Ada suggested.

  "He thinks nothing of me," I said, ignoring her suggestion, "except asan old school-fellow and friend; and I really am surprised, Ada, thatever you should talk such nonsense."

  "Very well, my dear," Ada said, tranquilly; "then I will say no moreabout it. I certainly thought I had an average amount of perception, andcould see as far into a brick wall as my neighbours; but it seems Icannot. I know, now, that my brother, who never cared for music, and whonever went ten times to the opera in his life, only goes every night wedo because he has acquired a sudden taste for music. Still, in thatcase, you will allow it is odd that he should sit so much behind yourchair, and talk to you all the time the music is going on. No doubt,however, he is criticising the performance for your benefit; but, as henever speaks loud enough for me to hear, of course I could not guessthat. Another thing too, is, to say the least of it, strange--Percy,till you came, was at work all day in his room upon Sanscrit andHindostanee, and smoking so, that, in spite of the double doors which hehas on purpose, the upper part of the house used quite to smell of hiscigars, and I was always expecting mamma to complain about it. It is,then, certainly strange that he should now find time to idle away allhis morning with us, and to ride out by the side of our carriage in thePark of an afternoon. However, I dare say all this is because he hasfinished his study of Eastern tongues, and is arrived at perfection inthem. How stupid I have been not to have thought of all this before!"and here Ada went on sipping her coffee, as if quite convinced that shehad been altogether in error.

  Honestly, I was astonished. It had seemed so natural having Percyalways with us, so pleasant listening to his sensible conversation,so different from the light flow of badinage we heard of anevening--it seemed such a matter of course, to enjoy the littlequiet--well--flirtation at the opera, that, up to this moment, I can sayhonestly that it had never seriously entered my head that PercyDesborough cared for me. As, however, I thought over all ourconversation together, not so much what he had said as the way in whichhe had said it, the conviction came over me that perhaps Ada was rightafter all; and the colour came mounting up into my face, till I felt adeep crimson even over my forehead.

  Ada was watching me, although she did not seem to be doing so; andguessing, from what she could see of my face, that I had arrived at theconclusion that it was as she said, she jumped up from her chair, and,kneeling down by me in her old impulsive way, she put her arms round me,and kissed my burning cheeks.

  "You dear, silly, blind Agnes! you know I am right, and that Percy lovesyou."

  I was silent a little, and then I said--

  "But are you sure of what you say, Ada?"

  "Quite sure, Agnes: he has not yet said as much to me, but I know itjust as well as if he had. Have I not seen the way he looks at you whenyou are not noticing him? My dear child, I am quite sure about him. Butabout you, Agnes, do you care for him?"

  "I never thought of him so, Ada--never once. I liked him very muchindeed, but it never entered my mind that he cared for me in that way;so I never thought of it."

  "But now you know he does?" Ada persisted, kissing me coaxingly.

  "Ah, but I don't know yet, Ada; so you will get no answer from me onthat head. But, oh, Ada!" I exclaimed, suddenly. "What would LadyDesborough say? Oh, I do hope it is not true! What would she say toPercy falling in love with a country doctor's daughter?"

  Ada did not look at all alarmed.

  "My dear," she said, laughing, "I do not think you need trouble yourselfon that score. Country doctors' daughters, in general, are not heiressesof twenty-five thousand pounds. Mamma is, no doubt, ambitious, andexpects that I shall make a great match; and had Percy been like otherpeople, and
remained in the Guards, and stayed at home, I dare say shewould have thought nothing under a duke's daughter good enough for him.As it is, all that is changed. She was very angry indeed with him aboutit, but she has given it up now. Here he is in a regiment which in ayear or so will go on foreign service; he is mad enough to intend to gowith it, and where is he then? You may be quite sure of one thing,Agnes. My mamma is a very excellent woman, but she knows far too much ofhuman nature not to have weighed in her mind, and accepted thepossibility of Percy's falling in love, before she invited a very prettygirl like you to spend a month in the house at a time she knew Percywould be at home on leave."

  I had no reply ready to this argument of Ada's, which I knew enough ofLady Desborough to feel was true; so I kissed her, and told her that shehad talked quite nonsense enough for one morning, and that it was quitetime to get ready to go out.

  The last three weeks I spent in Eaton Square were perhaps more happythan the previous time, but I don't think they were so pleasant; thatis, I did not feel so much at home. Before, I had been with Percy as Imight have been with a brother, or rather, perhaps, with a cousin; butnow, to feel in my heart--as I now did feel--that he looked at me inquite another way, made me feel different, and at times a little awkwardwith him. Before, if Ada left the room for any thing, I continued tochat with Percy as unconcernedly as if she had been present; now, I madesome excuse to accompany her, or, if obliged to remain, rattled on aboutanything that came uppermost, to prevent the conversation by anypossibility taking a serious turn.

  Ada told me one day that Percy had asked her the reason of my remainingaway so; but I told her she had no one to blame but herself, who hadmade me uncomfortable by talking nonsense to me about him.

  "But he is very much in earnest, Agnes. He spoke to me last night, andsaid he was only waiting for an opportunity of speaking to you. Youwon't say 'no,' will you, Agnes darling?"

  She asked in her coaxing way, kissing me as she used to do at schoolwhen she wanted me to do anything for her.

  I did not answer. I felt very very happy to know now for certain that heloved me, still, I could not answer that question except to himself,especially to Ada, who would be sure whatever she promised me, to tellPercy. So I said at last, "There is no use, Ada, in his speaking to menow at all. I would never accept him or any other man, even if I lovedhim with all my heart, until my father had seen and liked him."

  "But how is Dr. Ashleigh to see Percy?" Ada asked, with a dismayed face.

  "Of course, Ada, it is not for me to make arrangements for yourbrother," I said quietly; and then, after a pause, seeing her blankdismay, I went on, "It is not for me to suggest, Ada; but as you havepromised to come down for a week to us, in another six weeks when theseason is over, on your way to Lady Dashwood's, I have no doubt thatpapa would be very happy to see your brother if he should be happeningto accompany you."

  I was conscious that although I said this laughingly, I was blushingcrimson; but still I felt it was better so than that Percy should ask menow, for I quite meant what I said about papa's consent; but I was by nomeans sure of my own resolution if he asked me, which he was certain todo if I did not somehow put it off. Ada looked me full in the face, shesaw that it would be as she wished, and she took me very gently in herarms, and we kissed each other lovingly, as if in pledge of the nearerrelationship we were to bear. And then she made one more effort.

  "But could you not say 'yes,' now, Agnes, and refer him to your papa? Itwould be the same thing, and put him out of his suspense."

  "No, Ada," I said positively; "it would not be the same thing at all. IfI said 'yes,' but which, mind, I have not said that I ever shall do,papa would be sure to give his consent because he loves me. But before Iam engaged to any one, I should like papa to see him and like him first,and then when he tells me he approves my choice, I shall know he reallymeans what he says."

  After this, I have no doubt Ada told him something of what I had said,for from that time they ceased to try and contrive _tete-a-tetes_between us, and I saw that Percy was content to wait till the time I hadindicated. So I was much more comfortable with him. His leave expired,and he went away three or four days before my visit ended. I took carethe last day or two not to be alone with him, for I confess I doubted myown resolution as much as I did his. However, nothing was said till hewas going, and then as he was saying good-bye, he held my hand and said,"Then I may hope to see you again in six weeks, Agnes?" and he looked soearnestly at me, that my stupid colour would come rushing up.

  "Yes," I said, as steadily as I could, "papa will be very glad to seeyou, if you should happen to be accompanying Ada."

  For a moment longer he held my hand, and it seemed to me that he drew mea little towards him as if he were going to kiss me. If Ada had not beenin the room, I believe he would have done so; as it was, he lifted myhand and pressed it to his lips, kissed Ada heartily, and was gone.

  The very last ball I went to before I left, a circumstance happenedwhich gave me great pain at the time. I was dancing with LordHolmeskirk, with whom, indeed, I danced more perhaps than with any oneelse, and we were speaking of my leaving on the following day, and heremarked almost seriously how much I should be missed, to which Ireplied with laughing disbelief. After the dance was over we took ourseats on a sofa placed in a conservatory on the landing, half way up thestairs, and which was otherwise unoccupied. It was quite surrounded byflowers, so that although any one who came up-stairs could see us, stillno one could hear what we said.

  When we had sat down Lord Holmeskirk said, "So you do not think you willbe missed, Miss Ashleigh? Now I can assure you that at least by me yourabsence will be keenly felt." And then without further introduction, hemade me an honest straightforward offer.

  I felt very surprised, and very very sorry, and told him so. I hadlooked upon him as a very pleasant partner, and had liked him very much,and I assured him that I had never for a moment imagined that he hadregarded me in any other light.

  "I don't suppose you love me now, Miss Ashleigh," he said earnestly."There is no reason in the world why you should; but don't you think youcould some day. Is it quite impossible that you may in time get to carefor me?" And the honest young nobleman looked so pleadingly up in myface, that I could hardly restrain my tears.

  "Lord Holmeskirk," I said, "I am very sorry indeed for what you havesaid to me. I am grieved that I should unwittingly have obtained thelove of a true heart such as yours is without being able to requite it.It will be a matter of lasting regret to me. But it would be cruelkindness to deceive you. I cannot encourage you even to hope. There aremany here far more fitted than I am to win your love, and whose rankwould render them far more suitable matches for you than I could be.Your parents----"

  "I can assure you," he began, earnestly, "I have their consent; I havealready spoken to them."

  "I esteem you still more for having done so, Lord Holmeskirk, and I amtouched at their willingness to receive me; still, their consent musthave been the result rather of their affection for you, than their ownreal approval of it."

  I saw at once in his open face that it was so, and that his parents'consent had been reluctantly given.

  "It could not be otherwise," I said; "they naturally wish you to chooseone who, from her rank and connections, may strengthen your position,however high that may be. And now, I can only say again how sorry I amfor the pain I have given you, but that it cannot be. I shall alwaysremember you with esteem and regard, and nothing will give me greaterpleasure than to hear you have made some happier choice."

  The young man saw that any further appeal would be hopeless, and thetears stood in his honest grey eyes.

  "Thank you very much for your kindness, Miss Ashleigh, but, believe me,I shall ever regard you----" "as a friend," I said, rising, and making amovement to the staircase. He offered me his arm, and as we went up Ibegan chatting on indifferent subjects, as I did not wish any one toeven guess what had taken place. As we walked round the room, we passedby where the countess, his mothe
r, was sitting. I saw she looked at usanxiously, and as her son caught her eye, he shook his head slightly inanswer to the question she asked, and I could see her eyes open, firstin astonishment, and then soften with a variety of emotions,--sorrow forher son's disappointment,--pleasure that he was not going to make amatch which she could not have thought suitable. As we passed again, shestopped us, and spoke a few words to me, for I had frequently spoken toher before, and had liked her much, for she was a kind, motherly sort ofwoman, though she was a countess. She said she heard this was my lastball, and that she should quite miss my face amongst the dancers.

  "It is a fresh, happy face, my dear, and I hope it may continue so.Good-bye; you have my best wishes;" and she shook hands with me verykindly and affectionately, in a way which seemed to say a very greatmany things which she could not well express.

  When I got back that evening, Ada, who had been rather silent on our wayhome, came into my room, as she usually did, for a talk, and said,"Agnes, I was going down the stairs to get an ice, and I saw you andLord Holmeskirk go into the conservatory together, and you were therewhen I came up again, and I am quite sure by both your looks that he hasmade you an offer. Well?"

  "What do you mean by _well_?" I asked, for I felt a little hurt that,after what I had said to her about Percy, she should ever dream of thepossibility of my accepting any one else.

  "Of course I mean what did you answer? Don't keep me waiting, Agnes: youdon't know how anxious and impatient I have been to get home to askyou."

  "After what I said to you about Percy, Ada," I said, rather coldly, "Ishould have thought it hardly necessary to ask. Of course I refusedhim."

  "There, you dear Agnes," Ada said, almost crying on my neck, "don't beangry with me; but I have been so nervous, though I knew you would say'no.' Still, it must require so much courage to refuse a nobleman; Iknow I never could;" and so she went on till she coaxed me into a goodhumour again, and we talked a long time before we went to bed. And so mygaieties ended, and next morning, bidding adieu to Ada and LadyDesborough, who was very gracious, and even kissed me, I started forCanterbury, under charge of a lady who was going down, and whom I met byarrangement on the platform of the station.